Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I'll kill you all.

   I have NO idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.

   Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

   I know a million ways to always pick the wrong thing to say! Hey... I'm multi-talented!! I can talk and piss you off at the same time!

   It's not that guys can't find the G-spot; we just like looking for it…a lot.

   Sometimes you can't tell if you're just in a bad mood or everyone around you is being annoying.

   I love my wife, and God bless her for packing my lunch. But when you whip out a fruit roll up on a construction site, you get looks!

   Talking about me behind my back? That means my life is obviously more interesting than yours.

   11 was quite a popular number. Next year it'll be all about 12

   Been doing the Shake Weight thing all morning. Think I may go buy one now...

   I can't believe that it's the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.

   I guess I should come up with a plan B in case the murderer that breaks into my house figures out how to get this blanket off of me.

   wondering what to do. I used my last Post-It Note and have no idea how to remind myself to get more...

   Watching a funny movie after a scary one to try to reduce the risk of nightmares.

   Why are the first tissues the hardest to get out of the box? I just need one, not ten...

   The number one song on the day I was born was "Who cares" by the "Waste of times".

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.

   Just another day in paradise, minus the paradise...

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.

   I like to walk around the house naked. Until the neighbours chase me back inside.