Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've seen squirrels having seizures with more brains than you

   Hit me with your best shot... of tequila.

   Rosanne is running.....who cares

   So if you packed your lunch with a few weed brownies its all good.

   The thing about Truth is, it is always True!

   Just took a dump without my phone. Where do I collect my Nobel Peace Prize?

   So...I'm the only one left Occuying Wall Street so I'm going home...

   So, Los Angeles wants Meatless Monday... and probably followed by Tater Tot Tuesday and Weinerless Wednesday...

   This is the time of year when you can put mistletoe in your back pocket so that people who don't like you can kiss your...well you know...

   On a scale of 1 to leave 100 missed calls on my phone if I fail to reply your text message within 2 minutes, how crazy are you?

   Re the World Cup: Instead of wars how about countries settle their disputes with a soccer game? After all, they usually end up in a riot anyhow.

   Some people spend their whole life searching....I spend it trying to keep a straight face.

   Anything you can do I'll b*tch about later.

   Remember when Pink made girls look cute, now it makes them look trashy

   I can't believe people still get divorced, it's like they don't even know Wiz Khalifa relationship advice accounts exist.

   FACEBOOK: Twitter, because sleep deprivation, alcoholism, sexual frustration, social dysfunction, & personal suffering were made for the internet.

   I'm gonna take a jog... down to that seat at the end of the bar!

   Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.

   Just ate 2 bagles and used only half the cream cheese. Diets are hard people!! Really hard.

   This new bidet is disturbingly accurate...how did they know the location of the target?