Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just skipped past a quote from Gandhi on Instagram to "like" a photo of a hot dog.

   1 rule as a Realtor. Find clients budget and only show them homes priced 50k higher…

   Not sure how I feel about this potential BACON shortage...Save The Squeals.

   I love how perfect you aren't.

   Some dude just gave me the finger guns and said "cool beans, bro." It's a beautiful day for a little arson.

   I love pissing off a few hundred people before I go to bed. Waking up to a phone full of hate is the best way to start the day. <3

   Since when is driving and break dancing a crime, officer? I thought it was common practice to do the Coindrop as you approach a toll booth.

   Every weekend I participate in a liquid cleanse diet... with beer.

   Al Michaels arrested for DUI. Don't worry Al, John Madden makes me want to drink too.

   I just cut my lip on an Oreo. Well it was 3 Oreos. At the same time.

   But if he's had a vasectomy how do you trap him into marriage? *asking for a friend*

   You cannot solve a woman with the same level that other guys tried.

   Never tell a zombie that he looks like death warmed over

   Happy Birthday 21st Amendment

   Ok now confess! Who else just lost big in the office Pope naming pool?!?!?!😢🙈😂

   Snooze option must be the most pressed button in the morning :D

   "I bet you're the kinda girl who likes the strong, silent type, aren't you?" ~ best way to announce passing gas in an office setting while avoiding sexual harassment charges ツ

   I never responded to your foolishness because I still have what you don't want me to have!

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.