Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do some people feel they have speak for God and make excuses for him? Like they are his official spokesperson. Why can't he speak for himself?

   The war is over. The Confederacy lost. We're all Yankees now. Get over it!

   knows when Farrah got to heaven, God asked her if she had any last wishes. She said she wanted all of the children of the world to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson.

   going to a halloween party dressed as jesus to hit on some chicks, lets see who rejects the lord tonight!

   I asked my gf to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN-HD. And then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' Oh yeah, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend.

   (tune of row your boat) Roll roll roll your joint, twist it at the end. Spark it up and take a hit, pass it to a friend!

   to the man who calls wall st protestors hypocritical for using corporate made items, then you must think the slaves were hilarious for using clubs and daggers made by their masters, wearing cotton clothes, and escaping on roads paved for their masters

   FYI: We'll stop blaming Bush when you stop running on Bush's ideas!

   I mixed up my toothpaste and Preparation H......now I'm talking $hit but on the bright side, my farts are minty fresh

   On another note, some of the single Syrian women aren't bad looking ;)

   So if your are religious you are not accountable for anything? The devil made me you do it?

   When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music, but when I do it I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot"

   “Jesus Christ, must I do everything around here?” -God complaining about Jesus being irresponsible.

   What do bricks and ug-ly f@t girls have in common? They both get l@id by Mexicans.

   Joe Biden walks nervously into the grocery store by himself for the first time. He asks the clerk, "where are the snowman noses?"

   If you love her then you should hold her hand in public because women need to be lead around by a man or they will have no clue what to do.

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.

   Fight poverty, smack a hobo!

   This year for Halloween, New Jersey is dressing up like New Orleans.

   vertically challenged