Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb

   If a tree falls in a ocean does it not make potato chips?!?! yeah I'm drunk

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; Someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the exact opposite of what you told them.

   In case of emergency : Stop… Drop… And roll a joint.

   Another Saturday night alone. I plan on jerking off into a sock then crying myself to sleep...

   I should be working at a spa...........cause I can give one heck of a facial!!!

   Paul Ryan looks like Doug, Dougie, Doug, Doug from "The Hangover"

   Imagine 15 million people calling each other stupid. That's what it's like to live in Texas.

   the whitest kid you know.

   in another castle:(sorry mario.)

   Student: can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: I don't know can you? Student: B!TCH I WILL PISS ON THIS FLOOR!! 

   white girls acting like they black..look at the mirror you IS WHITE

   SpaceX rocket exploded trying to get out of the atmosphere. God said you let men marry men, you guys aren't welcome up here anymore.

   a womans dead body was discovered this morning with sperm in her eyes......the police say she probably saw her killer coming

   Call me insensitive but I'm going ahead and declaring Art Modell's passing as the Browns first win this season. 1-0 baby!

   Oh, you have an MBA from an online college? Please tell me how to fix our economy!!

   Excuse me, is this s tatus taken?

   At a job interview. "What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a crap what you think."

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a squirt gun fight. I'm just killing time updating my FB status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   Aunt Jemima or Paula Deen?