Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

   has a friend that was recently diagnosed with multiple personalities... yesterday he called me... my caller I.D. exploded.

   drank some Chinese beer, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   thinks facebook should let you know when someone unfriends you so you can send them evil thoughts. their way.

   has performed extensive experiments in the shed and can scientifically conclude that a cat has only one life.

   Canceled my trip to Arizona because my dog doesn't have papers...

   Steven Tyler has the face only a mother could love.

   tis the season to be horny

   Some president once said "It's the economy stupid"...But I say "It's the government Dumb@$$"

   Some president once said "It's the economy stupid"...But I say "It's the government Dumb@$$"

   Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope

   It is amazing how much effort I put into my laziness.

   My doctor (me) just decided to up my dosage (smoke more weed)

   My father dies from ALS, get off the subject and start writing funny stuff...

   it me or this presidency has experienced more Virus out break since AIDS? Remember the Swine Flu, bird Flu, Housing Bubble Flu, Bank bail out Flu, and my favorite was when Congress Flew

   Today a 5 foot tall grashopper spit in my face, I went to my doctor and he did tell me he heard there was a really nasty bug going around

   Ladies: you should be grateful for even the smallest of things a man does for you. Why? Because he took time out of his day, to make your day more beautiful and special.

   A woman interviewing me for a job, was hot, but a real b!tch. She goes, "Are you bi-lingual?" I didn't even want the job at this point, so I said, "Yes, I can lick ur pu$$y and ur a$$hole. "SECURITY!!!!"

   I 'm trapped in a maze, therefore I am a-maze-ing.

   "Glee" after the Super Bowl? From politics to TV shows, Fox continues to polarize the U.S.