Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not to self: dont respond "Im snipt" when she asks if you have a condom

   Just saw a kid in wal-mart pick up a Justin Beiber CD and pummel it into the floor screaming like a wild man... My faith in our nations youth has been restored.

   Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

   Yes, it's true! I am the absolute kingpin of the jelly doughnut cartel.

   Seems like life had more meaning back when pluto was still a planet. Now I don't really know what to live for anymore...Live for that next beer, perhaps?

   I would love to one day use the term "blood, sweat and tears" and have more than just the "tears" part be true.

   in case the WORLD ENDING doesnt happen on Saturday, Fox News had a report that we maybe over run by Zombies, but they did give a 'guide' as to what to do. Thanks Fox News....now I know what to do when the undead attempt to eat my brain.....

   The police are looking for someone sexy, funny, and great in bed. Now your ugly a** is safe but do you have anywhere I can hide?

   Take the chance, live out your dreams, make life better than it seems.

   My belt is too tight on the last notch but to loose on the next one..FML

   If you are living your life without giving an "f", You are living a li[ ]e .

   When somebody says you've changed, it's only because you stopped living your life their way.

   when you get gifts, people say "its the thought that counts"...my cousin got me deodorant...does she think I smell bad?

   Happy New Ears! Your old ears were fine, but congrats on your new ones!

   An Itailan officer doing a u-turn and running !!!......who would have thought ?!!!

   Captain Crunch of the Italian cruise liner just invited Billy Cundiff to his Super Bowl party!

   Only people in long distance or stalking relationships should be allowed to use the "IT'S COMPLICATED" option on their relationship status.

   "I clearly remember the first time I met Dhritarashtra. It was a blind date. - Gandhari.

   My friend invited me over to play COD and now I'm dressed up in a fish costume. This is not what I was expecting.

   It's Siri's time off the month again....she's acting mad and wont answer anything