Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it wrong when your pubic hair is longer than your pubic?

   Just caught a woman texting & driving. I hope she knows it's a very big distraction and if a cop saw her she would get charged a very big fine because it is illegal. Anyway, I guess I should pull over and get some gas, starting to run kind of low.

   Nice try, New Testament. The only things that can die and come back to life are zombies and Robert Downey’s acting career.

   The stock market was 4500 when Obama took office, today it's going to hit 19,000 #worstsocialistever

   Breaking news: Barack Obama Unaware He Was Elected President. “I never knew & nobody told me” said Obama.......

   kicking it ol' school

   I want a Life Alert necklace,,,, but instead of calling an ambulance it orders me a pizza

   Jesus went to a dinner party on thursday, he woke up crucified on friday and he resurrected on sunday. Sounds a lot like my weekends.

   Q: What is the difference between a Hell'$ Angel and Jehovah's Witness? A: The Hell'% Angel comes to your door and tells YOU to "F*&%k Off!!"

   whats the difference between mike vick and a dollar bill....you can get 4 quarters out of a dolla

   Halloween costume idea #27 Ronald McDonald outfit, suit jacket, and Red Wig comb over…Ronald McDonald Trump!

   If I made a clone of myself and made out with myself would it be considered gay or masterbation?

   I wonder if Donald Trump's cell phone has comb-over minutes

   If you don’t want my help disciplining your little brats then I don’t want more of my tax dollars used to help educate them.

   WE BUILT THIS CITY WE BUILT THIS CITY ON the ruthless and systematic exploitation of the working class through industrial capitalism

   Hasnt Slept since thursday night.....Id like to request a moment of silence for all the innocent Brain cells lost over the events of the last 48hrs, you will be greatly missed. kk time 4 sleep

   pink eye... I knew it was a bad idea to wear ur undies on my head

   on the 8th day god created beer to keep Canadians from taking over the world

   I lost my virginity, can I have yours?

   "Just Gonna Stand There And Watch Me Burn, Well That's Alright Because I Like The Way It Hurts" - Joan of Arc