Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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If it tastes like chicken, keep on licking. If it tastes like trout, get the hell out. 
I love my wife so much that I use c ondom with other girls.
"Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”...."
The irony is overwhelming. The "LOCK HER UP" guy is getting his ass locked up. Hahaha!
Every 7 seconds a fat girl confuses post-it notes for Kraft singles.
surprised that Kate and William didn't go with my suggested royal baby name of Princess Consuela Bananahammock!
Church = Free Wine
she was my cream, and I was her coffee - And when you poured us together, it was something.....
loves it when you call me big pappa.
Only one long utter but I love getting milked
Hopes that the Gay community is enjoying all the free media attention...with the flooding in Manitoba I haven't heard the word "Dykes" used so much since last years Gay Pride week .
Taylor Swift must be the first person to have something given back to her after a black man stole it
If you don't have an iphone, well, you don't have an iphone! Oh yeah? And if you don't have a Droid X, well, you don't have flash player and adobe! Now, How do you like them apples?!?!
A 30 second super bowl ad cost 5 million dollars. Trump said that's crazy, 30 seconds only cost me 130 thousand.
I swear these automatic toilets are about as premature as a teenage boy, one little move and they are done.
Dreams of moving to India or Pakistan.....and becoming a Taxi driver
what did 50 cent say to his Grandma who was sewing a Sweater ?? Gee-You-Knit !!!!
strong enough to live without you but not strong enough to stop thinking about you. i'm strong enough not to cry when I hear your name but not strong enough to stop loving you
For anyone interested , I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble from 6PM until I am escorted out by securuty
I have so many questions for people in lesbian marriages. Like, who is the wife and who is the husband? Who buys who flowers? Who opens doors for the who? Who leaves the toilet seat up? Who makes who a sandwich? Who just sits on the sofa watching sport? 