Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe the Pope finally found Jesus.

   Vegas has the Ravens as a 9.5 point underdog against the Pats but the Ravens are a 3 body favorite in possible murders.

   Stop with the Chik Fil A jokes... that joke is as stale as your mothers breast milk

   When my mom texts me, I respond, "Can't talk now, I'm driving I'll call you when I ge" then ignore all texts and calls for 4 hours./.Hi-larious

   Dear Maroon 5: You can borrow my phone as long as you promise never to sing again.

   Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

   If it tastes like chicken, keep on licking. If it tastes like trout, get the hell out.

   I love my wife so much that I use c ondom with other girls.

   "Would You Like a Table?” … “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”...."

   The irony is overwhelming. The "LOCK HER UP" guy is getting his ass locked up. Hahaha!

   Every 7 seconds a fat girl confuses post-it notes for Kraft singles.

   surprised that Kate and William didn't go with my suggested royal baby name of Princess Consuela Bananahammock!

   Church = Free Wine

   she was my cream, and I was her coffee - And when you poured us together, it was something.....

   loves it when you call me big pappa.

   Only one long utter but I love getting milked

   Hopes that the Gay community is enjoying all the free media attention...with the flooding in Manitoba I haven't heard the word "Dykes" used so much since last years Gay Pride week .

   Taylor Swift must be the first person to have something given back to her after a black man stole it

   If you don't have an iphone, well, you don't have an iphone! Oh yeah? And if you don't have a Droid X, well, you don't have flash player and adobe! Now, How do you like them apples?!?!

   I swear these automatic toilets are about as premature as a teenage boy, one little move and they are done.