Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up and beep so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have run out of power so quickly!

   I am not a gynecologist, but I will give you some Frontline for that.

   I guess between Oprah interviews and looking for his birth certificate the President came up with a strategy to find Bin Laden. Good Job :p

   my new workout plan is P69X!

   You can walk out that door and keep on walking... Because you never shut up and you're always talking.

   I should have yelled "timberrrr" before I dropped that log 💩

   ALSO FACT: You eat 28 spiders in your lifetime... Always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

   I don't know about yours but my news feed is starting to look like there's a big game coming up between the south and the skittles factory.

   Relationship status - Ronda Rousey

   So Bruce Jenner heard the woman gets everything in the divorce he showed her and became one too.

   I love my women like I love my Keurig coffee, disposable after a single use.

   Kids: Never tell a stranger where you live. Give them your neighbor's address and watch what happens.

   My stock in Johnny Walker is through the roof!!!

   With the way the humam species treats each other, can we blame God for being vengeful?

   Well ... Considering his past record ... My biggest worry about Donald Trump is that ... even if he actually proves to be a great president ..... I am still very concerned that he could still leave us for a younger, prettier country...

   Whoever cast J-Lo in the movie "Anaconda" was a genius because anacondas don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   [boarding an airplane in west Africa]... "Have you had any diarrhea in the last 24 hours?"..."Yes. I had 2 tablespoons before bed last night."

   Do the Chinese realize that when they're visiting America, they buy souvenirs made in their own country?

   I haven't got a Twitter account yet, so I just carry around a megaphone and announce what I'm doing at random times. I've got three followers so far - but I think two are cops...

   Try saying "Whale oil beef hooked" without sounding like a drunken Irishman