Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Carnival to Rename Cruise Ships 'floating nightmare 1, floating nightmare 2, floating nightmare 3, floating nightmare 4, floating nightmare 5 etc. etc. etc.'

   Telling a woman to calm down while she is drunk works about as well as baptizing a cat.

   Did you ever notice how a woman's “I'll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I'll be home in 5min” are one and the same?

   going downtown to throw snowballs at random pedestrians in an,attempt to make a couple friends who understand what I'm going through.

   City girls slip and slide, Country girls grip and ride!!

   Major cold front heading our way with significant wind chills... shrinkage is imminent

   Women sleeping in Bras... Nice try Hollywood.

   William & Kate, i'm really happy for you and imma let you finish, but Panda Watch was the best baby watch of all time!! ‪#‎Anchorman‬ , ‪#‎imronburgundy‬?

   yes, I have made mistakes, but last time I checked, life didn't come with instructions!

   I'll be doing my Facebook posts telepathically today, so if you think of something funny that was me.

   There's no I in 'meat' but there's ME & EAT....I don't know how vegetarians get past that. Time to BbQ.

   The new Chevy Impala is cool because it comes with a popcorn popper in the dash.

   Call Kenny Loggins because we are in the Danger Zone!!!

   Ladies; Don't build walls around your heart... men will pee on them.

   I've got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I've also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

   What do you mean I've had enough to drink?!! Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.

   dont be mean to haters. their just doing there job..

   I may have opened the door, but you entered of your own free will.

   Just owning the Washington Redskins was his first stupid mistake.

   gets more laughs out of his farts compared to certain things written here!