Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   well a very, very heavy uh heavy der burtation tonight, we had a very daris darison, bite.. lets go hit taris tazen los tada bet dahadapet....there's no telling what you'll say when you have a migraine.

   Justin Bieber was shot last night!!! Well, on an episode of CSI. If only art could imitate real life for once, this would be the time!

   was wondering why kamikaze pilots bothered to wear helmets!

   Why do all the beautiful women with blond hair, dye their roots brown?

   Inside me is a skinny woman screaming to get out. I can usually shut her up with a cookie.

   Presidents Day is just another Monday I'm celebrating Sarah Palin not being president

   Wondering if Snookie's parents have a bumper sticker that says, "Our daughter is a slut on Jersey Shore" or "Our Slut can beat up your Slut!"

   trying to explain the urine on the ceiling.

   Humor has been cancelled for the day. We look forward to serving you in the near future.

   Do you ever walk toward automatic sliding opening doors, hold your hand up, and as they open think, maybe, just maybe, the force is with you today??

   Just took the 'road less traveled'...found Waldo...

   I think 'supervision' isn't nearly as cool as it sounds...

   Never take failure to your heart and success to your mind.

   anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.

   When I'm sad I just sing, and then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.

   I'm not shy. I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.

   Sometimes I wish that automatic doors would appreciate my existance...

   Church sign reads, "Look at what's missing from ch__ch

   I wish McDonalds sold a hot dog so I could walk in and order a McWeiner and then ask for it to be supersized

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with... "Are you sitting down?"