Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's God Bless... Not Good Bless.... And that's why we look like morons!!

   McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is akin to Trojan sponsoring Vatican events.

   Happy " Single Awareness Day"

   You guys ever YOLO so hard your Hyundai gets repossessed?

   Ladies, if you're in compitition to get as many friend on your frinds list, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   To find out your author name, simply take your first and last names, write a book,, get it published, and read the name on the cover.

   I judge the quality of my Facebook posts by how often my name comes up in therapy with your shrink.

   No matter how much lice shampoo I use it doesn't provide the sheen or volume that I get when I wash my lice with regular shampoo.

   Stop knocking on my door wanting to talk about the Lord and I will stop coming to your door wanting to talk about alcohol, weed and freaky sex.

   I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits, that's why I am voting for Trump.

   Ivanka Trump is writing a new book called "Women Who Work: Rewriting The Rules Of Success." Rule number 1 is having a wealthy, powerful father.

   im feeling so empty.. (after pooping)

   It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

   McDonald's is changing their slogan form "We made it yesterday" to "Old, Cold, and Sold to you".

   I once dated someone who told me she was "bi". Every time I mentioned sex, she said "Bye!"

   Showed up late for work and blamed it on rush hour. Showed up late again the next day and blamed it on rush hour 2.

   I've spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can't find his nuggets.

   Relationship status: Please? I am rich.

   Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

   I have a very clever way with words. You could say I'm a cunning linguist.