Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would totally be in a relationship right now, but I prefer sex without complications.

   I want to spread your thoughts wide open.

   its sports analyst. if you are gonna make fun of people don't give them material for a comeback

   I guess it was a bad idea to dedicate "Another One Bites the Dust" to your newly wed friend.

   I think Commercials on Pandora & Youtube are the Devil.

   We all at one time or another, were the Gods of Sea Monkeys...

   Women love being cuddled while they sleep, except for when they don't know who you are, apparently.

   I was just sitting here minding my own business and a cold glass of beer just poured itself into my mouth.

   Have you ever noticed that the people you'd like to say "Go to H ell!" to are almost always the kind of people who'd ask for detailed directions?

   So the Pope has parted ways with the Mafia? I love how humans picks other humans to lord over them.

   Hodor from G.O.T is basically a Pokemon all he can is his name and he dose not add anything to the conversation

   Who are you and why do I have to read about your workout and eating routine every day on Facebook?

   There's nothing that a well-planned homicide can't fix.

   can someone tell Andrew Jackson we read Snarkecards also

   'Rough day. Better make it a double.' - me at the cat shelter.

   too much weed & you're "high".....too much beer & you're "drunk".....do both at same time & I become a "HUNK"

   It doesn't count as a "drug deal" if they charge full price.

   I'm "let's get turned on by the smell of bookstores" fun.

   I miss the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, so I ate some caterpillars.

   I bet Nike's socks labeled R or L are driving OCD people nuts!