Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having my doubts about this dehydrated water that I bought off Craigslist for the plastic plants in my office..............

   I've come to realize that there is not much difference between paying for an evening out, and just leaving the money on the nightstand...unless you're hungry of course...

   Our relationship with life itself is compared to a kidnapping situation. The only choice we have is to suffer from Stockholm Syndrome which means that if we don't symphatize with our kidnapper, it will screw us all up.

   says the best answer to "(S)he died? What happened?" is "They stopped breathing"

   I once asked my Dad if it was ok to love a midget, he said son- It just depends if you're nuts over her.

   Coworkers were having printer problems, but I only heard the end of the conversation when they said "There are sheets jammed up in there." So natrually I recommended a laxative.

   I run for 2 reasons: 1.) Running to get food (2.) Running to keep from being food

   I let my fists do the talking. And by fists I mean mouth. And by talking I mean sandwich eating.

   Justin Bieber's hair being auctioned off for charity. Should I buy it for my next toupee?

   Buying a used mattress is like buying used underwear...You just dont do it!!

   I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

   CNN refuses to broadcast Gathafi's speech; reason being it is copyrighted to the Comedy Channel....

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".

   mmm nothings more manly then watching a man hold shake-weights next to his face while grunting with exaggeritated force

   Are you always this stupid, OR ARE YOU MAKING A SPECIAL EFFORT TODAY?

   You can walk out that door and keep on walking... Because you never shut up and you're always talking.

   There are somethings some parents will never understand..like how to actually be parents...

   Judge me all you want..But don't think I'll give a damn.

   "Look at the keyboard ... you and I are together, look underneath it says JK."

   Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed Little Bo Pep was giving him head as soon as he came she started to weap she knew by the taste he was f**king her sheep