Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if H( . ) ( . )ters were to become a door to door service... I hope they have to change their name to Kn( . ) ( . )ckers...

   The microwave sent those nudes, not me.

   It's offically summer when white girls start counting the days until pumpkin lattes return to Starbucks.

   Iceland knocked out Britain out of Euro 2016 soccer. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Brexit last Thursday.

   Trump is qualified because he runs successful businesses? Kim Kardashian is a reality star that runs successful businesses also.

   IS says is America elects Hillary the will donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation and have Bill speak at their next function for another million.

   Donald Trump met with Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto this week, so Trump can tell him how great the Mexican food is at Trump Tower.

   Trump promises all Americans a free bag of Skittles when he's President.

   "Siri, what are the side effects of Marijuana?" I mumble into a Hershey's bar

   set fire to the preacher who is promising us hell

   Not sure that "What's gotten into you?" is the best opening line when you run into a friend that you hadn't seen in a while and is pregnant.

   Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play … Me: *jumps out of airplane*

   My New Years resolution for 2021 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   Find the man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't care if it's on your legs.

   Sears just called,My Back ordered Leather jacket with tassels is finally in.

   Has anybody actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?

   I've sold all my John Lennon albums on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.

   LOL! My neighbor swears she was anally probed by an alien last night...... BTW, Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   MIRACLE-WHIP IS SALAD DRESSING NOT MAYONNAISE Restaurants stop putting salad dressing on my sammiches !!

   Butter pecan ice cream taste like a senior citizen discount