Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Establish dominance by waiting until your wife serves the turkey and then tell her you already ate.

   Why is it that every time someone moves to a warmer state all the talk about is warm weather

   forget about the past you cant change it,forget about the future you cant predict it,forget about the present your not getting one

   I have severe attachment issues. I struggle with attaching my keys to my key chain.

   (eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb!

   I feel as lonely and unwanted as the zucchini in the break room

   If you puncture a hole in a garbage bag in order to roll down your window, you might be a redneck

   My six year old just hissed at me. I'm either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

   Just heard on the news that is sure indication you might want to evacuate before the hurricane hits is if your local Waffle House closes.

   Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on....

   Sometimes I think I'm the reason God found a need for Guardian Angels. You're welcome.

   Maybe you misunderstood me. I love you in a "tennis score" sort of way.

   Seriously its 2018, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh !

   Once my boss told me to dress for the job that I wanted, not for the job that I had. And I felt real stupid in the next sales meeting dressed like Batman.

   had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..

   I just saw what came out of me, so I highly doubt I am beautiful on the inside.

   They say when you're looking for something you lost. It's always found in the last place you look. Of course it is. Who would keep on looking for it?

   The only way to know a relationship is going well, when she feels comfortable taking a dump at your place

   Stop all your crying about losing an hour of sleep from Daylight Savings Time. Business travelers experience it every single week...

   I just busted three plastic spoons trying to eat an avocado that has a sticker that says "ripe and ready to eat."