Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

   I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

   Tyler Durden: The first rule of Flight Club is: You do not talk about Flight Club.

   Oh.... you wanted a "Fidget" spinner. *Tells 4'8" guy he and his exercise bike can go home.

   If you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color, they are 100% a cop.

   If it ain't one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over again.

   I agree there is no "I" in team but have you noticed there is a "me"?

   Did you know :Relationship Without Sex Helps you Focus on the Most Important things in a relationship like Cheating

   Maybe we need a wall along the gulf coast!!

   I saw a piece of trash blowing in the wind It made me think of you

   Florida officials are telling people to stop shooting their guns at hurricane irma, and it would not make the hurricane go back. How did humanity become this dumb?

   Did you hear about a guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep...it was an open casket funeral!

   Did the kid who was voted most likely to succeed back in high school...succeeded yet?

   Who loves you more; your wife or your dog? Try this test: Lock both of them in the basement for 24 hours. The next day when you open the door, which one will be happy to see you? There's your answer.

   Establish dominance by waiting until your wife serves the turkey and then tell her you already ate.

   Why is it that every time someone moves to a warmer state all the talk about is warm weather

   forget about the past you cant change it,forget about the future you cant predict it,forget about the present your not getting one

   I have severe attachment issues. I struggle with attaching my keys to my key chain.

   (eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb!

   I feel as lonely and unwanted as the zucchini in the break room