Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Halloween I'm going to go as a normal person with no mask since that seems to scare the sh*t out of everyone🎃 🤔💪😜🇨🇦🇺🇸

   Columbus Day is one thing, but I'm still upset about my personal holiday. No, not my Birthday. I'm talking about Fat Tuesday. 😛

   If you think a college education isn't worth the money, I'm here to tell you that whenever I say something stupid, I can get out of trouble by saying, "Sorry, I was an art major."

   Just because you have a guitar, Christmas outfit and the Christmas tree doesn't necessarily mean you have the talent to sing on Facebook.

   My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

   Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

   ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

   I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

   Tyler Durden: The first rule of Flight Club is: You do not talk about Flight Club.

   Oh.... you wanted a "Fidget" spinner. *Tells 4'8" guy he and his exercise bike can go home.

   If you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color, they are 100% a cop.

   If it ain't one damn thing after another, it's the same damn thing over and over again.

   I agree there is no "I" in team but have you noticed there is a "me"?

   Did you know :Relationship Without Sex Helps you Focus on the Most Important things in a relationship like Cheating

   Maybe we need a wall along the gulf coast!!

   I saw a piece of trash blowing in the wind It made me think of you

   Florida officials are telling people to stop shooting their guns at hurricane irma, and it would not make the hurricane go back. How did humanity become this dumb?

   Did you hear about a guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep...it was an open casket funeral!

   Did the kid who was voted most likely to succeed back in high school...succeeded yet?

   Who loves you more; your wife or your dog? Try this test: Lock both of them in the basement for 24 hours. The next day when you open the door, which one will be happy to see you? There's your answer.