Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can't the President tackle the real issues? Like mandating all clocks auto-program when there is a time change!

   I don't flirt with women, I flirt with disaster.

   It's great to see somebody change their relationship status on Facebook to 'Married' when they are actually legally married.

   I know people are going to do what they do regardless of what I say I do...and I've come to the conclusion that people are just ignorant!

   After last night, I do believe being pregnant is like your unborn being on Section 8. Where else can they live dirt cheap, eat free food all the while pissing the hell out of the landlord.

   One of the those days where it felt like I was going through a mid 20s crisis. Then I realized I was past my mid 20s and that caused another crisis. On days like this there is only one man I turn to for guidance. Watching ALF

   Remember, if you took all the parking meters downtown and laid them end-to-end, you'd be in jail faster than you can say, "Guinness Book of World Records"

   Funny is grown adults who think they are still in an AOL chat room! haha

   After marriage, sloppy seconds means not licking the cake batter spoon first.

   When you poke someone on facebook, where exactly are you supposed to be poking them ?

   Dear inventor of the double doors, we thank you!........your biggest fans, Fat People

   S/O to the death of Bin Laden!!! Word has it, he was at Bush house eating dinner & choked on a chicken wing!!!

   osama is dead now the remaining is justin beiber

   Thanks to the ac its so cold in my office that even the girls in my nudy calendar are getting T.H.O's

   I have a friend of mine looking for 20 blow up dolls and a bottle of helium.....Release the Rapture!!!

   its always when your writing something important you always run out of sp

   Who needs thr circus when you can go to Walmart. "Our prices are as low as the self esteem of our freaks"

   Monday, quit being such a ba$+ard.

   It has been revealed that Ryan Giggs of Manchester United has been slammin' his brothers wife for 8 years! damn! Talk about brotherly love.

   The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.