Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   getting bored with Dear Diary, oops she means Facebook. Just because facebook asks you "What's on your mind?" doesn't mean you have to answer, if it ask you to jump off a bridge would you do that to?

   thinks Captain Planet and the Planeteers need to go save the Gulf of Mexico.

   I bet him anul if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week

   My pants are on the no-fly list.

   Embracing the darkness,killing the light.go on you troubles,i ain't got the time to fight.mayb the yesterday ws wrong,tmrrw wud sure be right.no more shaking up,may however strong be the tide.i close my eyes with a dream.this is misery's final night. . .

   you may be an engineer if you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

   wondering if the Phillys and Blackhawks players wives are not shaving either

   We Need Captain Planet ,Let are Powers Combined

   Never underestimate the power of a woman -- nor overestimate her age and weight.

   Sex appeal is made up of 50% of what you got and 50% of what people think you got.

   ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

   SFOL #5: Beer goggles don't exist…you knew what she looked like, but also figured you could get away with it because of all the shots of tequila you'd had.

   not going to college...shes becoming a Burrito Taster!

   There should be one trained bear on each side for special teams plays in football

   going to create his own costume and fight crime

   "Ok, so we're both illiterate. I can't spell love and you can't read it."

   All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.

   asked the waitress what she recommended and she said the spinach dip was bangin'. Not quite sure how I feel 'bout that.

   LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.