Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The next four weeks is going to be incredibly difficult for people whose grandmother's actually have been ran over by reindeer.

   Fun fact: Trump has been President for 407 days and he just spent his 100th day playing golf

   Ann Coulter is what happens if you feed Kellyanne Conway after midnight.

   If Jesus turned water into wine, imagine what he could do with the bottled water we have now. He could probably turn aquafina into Grey Goose.

   Charlie Sheen uses tobasco sauce for eye drops! Winning!

   would like to fill a Pinata full of puke and break it over the collective heads of the Jonas Brothers

   Does Steven Tyler remind you a Jack Sparrow or am I crazy?

   why does snoop dog carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE.

   Happy 235th to United States and happy 12th or whatever to Alaska and Hawaii.

   That feeling when a booger shoots out your nose and you don't know where it landed.

   2.Two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester cheats picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!

   ■a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?

   I ripped a bunch of pubes out on the bus today. It hurt like hell! especially when the chick who I did it to woke up and punched me. :(

   first there were 3 broken axles then I died of dysentery. Damn Oregon Trail.

   if you notice this notice, then you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing

   Dear Lindsay Lohan,Here is a tip,Better learn to hold your soap tightly.

   Domino's Pizza changed their name to just Domino's because they're now serving even more $hitty food.

   Whenever I silently fart in bed I always ask the wife if she smells popcorn so she will take a big whiff looking for the popcorn smell...I'm just evil like that.

   If you are lucky enough to find a weirdo never ever let them go, unless his name is Donald J. Trump.

   No matter how much you hate or how much of an ass you are, Jesus still loves you atheists