Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear periods, You are the true definition of "bloody hell." Sincerely, Girls

   Who said, " nothing is impossible!" try nailing jello to a tree.

   We always hear: Ipod, Ipad, and Iphone, it would be nice to hear ILove you once in awhile

   My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them stuff in person.

   You know the feeling when you're tired but you have better things to do than go to bed? I have it all the time.

   That awkward moment when she is wearing her apple bottom jeans, but she cant find her boots with the fur, and the whole club does'nt look at her

   Dear mom who just learned what "lol" means, ROTFLMFAO. Sincerely, good luck with that one :]

   Just because we're friends on Facebook doesn't mean that I actually like you in »»real life««

   What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.

   A man walks into a library and says, "I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology".

   "Someone's been eating my porridge!", said Father bear. Mother bear sighed and poured him another bowl. Life was tough and draining for her, now that her husband was suffering from Alzheimer's.

   My uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer last month, but all my Facebook friends changed their status' for an hour and now he's going to live a long and fruitful life.

   Has anyone Sheen my drugs?

   wondering why when you type facebook on facebook it underlines it red as if to say you spelled it wrong. Seeeee, it did it again!! Twice!! I found the "glitch" in the Matrix..Woot

   Never open a email with the attachment " Charlie Sheen footage". It's not a virus or anything,but lets face it, we've all had enough of that idiot lately.

   Pretty is something you're born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective.

   When I was growing up, it was just called "the changing of the seasons"

   I ate half a dozen cans of beans today all for nothing. Was I ever embarrased when I found out it's "Fat Tuesday" and not "Fart Tuesday"

   : the only A+ I've gotten in life is my blood type

   thought he was my knight in shining armor, but it turned out he was just some retard in aluminum foil