Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   US Congress is looking to reduce budget deficit by combining national healthcare with the TSA. Head to your local airport next time you need an X-ray or cancer exam.

   heard that NASA astronauts are moving items today out of retiring shuttle Discovery, in hopes of getting their security deposit back.

   Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.

   Hey Obama, where's the change? I need it to pay for gas!

   wondering if a butterflies wish they could get a tattoo of a woman on their shoulder.

   I used to think that Bert & Ernie were gay men living together. Then I came to my senses and realized that no true gay man would have exceptionally bad hair, a hidious unibrow and wear those terrible clothes. Rock on B & E!

   Glad I noticed it's Ash Wednesday so I don't tell someone they have dirt on their forehead...

   If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder?

   Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

   Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

   Yesterday I told my girlfriend to come over because no one is home. I don't know why she was so mad when she arrived to my empty house. I said "no one".

   Let your smile change the world, but dont let the world change your smile

   Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think. ツ

   Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

   Two women are sitting in church. One leans over and whispers to the other, "My butt is going to sleep". The other replies, "I know, I've heard it snore three times"

   I am so clever sometimes I don't even understand what I'm saying.

   This world would be slot nicer if your parents didn't have kids

   My wife has got a Licence To Kill. Or Driving Licence as she likes to calls it.

   Cotton is getting expensive huh... If only there was a way to get people to pick cotton for free...hm

   Called in my Napalm Strike and fried a whole bunch of Burritos.