Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It sucks at first when squirrels get into your house but then it turns out they're pretty fun to watch TV with.

   Woke up this morning with green grass growing out of my head...Thanks Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia Omega 3

   If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, should you accept it?

   what's black and white and red all over? A newspaper for people who can't spell well!

   Why can't Danzig have a normal lunch box like every other kid?

   schools require children undress in front of people,..i'm thinking thats pretty much a registered sex offender definition

   Snooki pregnant! I bet the pro choice movement is having their best week ever!

   Funny...the post below this one..is a lift of the post five below that. I give up.

   Pit Bull is so cool he probably scores with the ladies at least twice a month...

   They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

   Proud to say I've slowed my drinking down to only 7 nights a week.

   I nicknamed his d!ck "The Scrambler". Because it was a two-minute ride, and I threw up on it once.

   My demographic doesn't include folks unfamiliar with the word demographic.

   Conversations are the window to the brain.

   "I've been seeing someone else, but you probably haven't heard of him." - how hipster chicks admit cheating

   Bro she just called you blind! OH HELL NO! Where is she?

   was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   drugs, sex and music doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk

   running on pills and luck

   Regardless of what they say, Romance is NOT dead. It's just playing dead. Kiss someone's lips to resuscitate it.