Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ran my first 5k today...finally I said, "Lady, take your purse!!"

   There are people I meet I could write a beautiful novel about, than there are those I could write a murder mystery about and have them die a horrible death. . .

   Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford ...is this really a PRANK show and Ashton Kutcher is going to come out at the end and tell us we've been PUNK'D

   If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

   having a hard time groing his sunflower, maby I should'nt have eaten the insides

   I've been given two weeks to live. The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

   ~Heidi Klum & I have resigned as Victoria's Secret models. I wanted you to hear this sad news directly from me and not your crazy neighbor Earle.

   I work hard for the money......maybe someday I'll get to see it and enjoy it.

   Does womens restrooms have attendants in the fancy strip clubs? If so how do I apply?

   CALL 1-800-OUR-BAD, IF YOUR BRAKES DONT WORK.

   As things that I find gratifying as an adult goes, being at work and getting paid to take a dump is very high on the list since it is something you can do daily.. I encourage everyone to do this now! And if you wanna take it to the next level, rub one out

   Im the kinda human wreckage that you love

   wondering why he/she is talking in 3rd person, hmmm he/she is still thinking

   looking for a large, orange orb that gives off light, warmth and occasional melanoma. Last seen 7 days ago. Goes by the nickname "sunny." Call 1-800-FREEZING if found.

   dropped my car off for an ice cream paint job, but they messed up and got it CLEAN on the inside and CREAM on the outside. Idiots.

   wondering if ghosts only speak/understand english?

   I made a promise to myself years ago. that as I begin to age considerably...I will keep with me some semblance of fashion. Never when wearing shorts, will I sport black socks and dress shoes..I will try to keep my trousers up to a reasonable height...wh

   Friendly Reminder to all: Is "Poke" a Blonde Week! poke ur favorite blonde, or all!

   attempting to work the word "Flagrant" in to my conversations this afternoon as I just like saying it!

   would be a hoarder but I cant find my wallet