Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Alcohol, we had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

   Bernie vs Trump way better than Hillary vs Trump. Help people see that without insulting them tho lol

   I started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles.

   I am sure hope this John Miller guy whoever he is, former spokesman to Donald Trump, becomes the Vice President nominee on the Republican ticket this year.

   Played with fire and caught the feelings. Stupid feelings.

   Love is when two intelligent minds come together and become dumb.

   Rosalind Franklin discovered the DNA double helix, not James Watson. That's why he's still alive.

   [job interview] "So tell me something about yourself" I'm on medication

   I stole every word of this status from a dictionary.

   Hernandez just found guilty ..he wont be getting 40 million for that tight end ever again ...

   She lost me at,"Mayweather."

   I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   To those who have recently unfriended me on Facebook, Kudos to you for uncovering the fact that our friendshipwas just a ploy to have sex with your sister.

   Yes I am that one ex she doesn't want the world to know she ever dated.

   Just woke up and can't go back to bed. I turn on the TV looking to maybe find something to watch. My choices are Baggage, 7 days of Sex, Sex Sent Me to the ER, The Real World:Ex-plosion, and Hannah Montana. Wondering if Miley Cyrus is staring in all of th

   when i'm real stressed i'll scream into a pillow, but I have a memory foam pillow and while I sleep it remembers

   If a woman doesn't a have a fb profile pic...better you should spend 6 hours with your face buried in Governor Christie's a$$, than a half hour with her on a dinner date.

   Guys I think we need to go out more coz we are running out of material here for crying out loud!!

   You deserve an Oscar for your portrayal of someone pretending to be in a relationship!

   Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...