Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   To those who have recently unfriended me on Facebook, Kudos to you for uncovering the fact that our friendshipwas just a ploy to have sex with your sister.

   Yes I am that one ex she doesn't want the world to know she ever dated.

   Just woke up and can't go back to bed. I turn on the TV looking to maybe find something to watch. My choices are Baggage, 7 days of Sex, Sex Sent Me to the ER, The Real World:Ex-plosion, and Hannah Montana. Wondering if Miley Cyrus is staring in all of th

   when i'm real stressed i'll scream into a pillow, but I have a memory foam pillow and while I sleep it remembers

   If a woman doesn't a have a fb profile pic...better you should spend 6 hours with your face buried in Governor Christie's a$$, than a half hour with her on a dinner date.

   Guys I think we need to go out more coz we are running out of material here for crying out loud!!

   You deserve an Oscar for your portrayal of someone pretending to be in a relationship!

   Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...

   Women are experts at knowing what you really meant.

   I'm that person who forgets to wish someone a happy birthday on Facebook but waits til they thank everyone in a post and my comment is always, " You're welcome, let's do it again same time and place next year"

   Looking for hot women on the TV show "Jeopardy". Uh,..nope. Not today.

   In my defence, he didn't accept the breath mint when I offered it

   Fate has it's tricky ways of throwing something in front of you that you never expected.

   Can't wait to see the look on my doctors face when he walks in the room and I'm already bent over the exam table!!!

   My wife takes forever to get ready when we are going out for the evening. I swear, there are glaciers that move faster.

   Okay Instagram... You deactivated Rihanna's account? I want my money back.

   A Rape Whistle.....But for unwanted conversation.

   I need help programing my dvr to skip news and record the commercials.

   If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.