Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey we snowed in today, break out the corny jokees

   I'm single by choice...Not my choice, but it's still a choice.

   Every time it hurts when I pee I think of you. - coming up with romantic valentine's day message is hard you guys.

   I had to go on a second diet. The first one wasn't giving me enough food.

   When Valentine's day is round the corner, all Forever alone people start enumerating the benefits of being single.

   I have a problem with pain pills, I can't find them anywhere!

   jeezo ya thick tit, can ya not make the connection between american football and rugby?? ya eejit....

   Be careful how many sticks and stones you throw at others because some are skilled at building catapults.

   I have now Been Sober for 281 days.! not all in a row, Just 281 days

   [restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater

   I wonder what hamsters would type on a keyboard: Free me from this prison that is my life.

   Get laser hair removal they said, the technician won't torch your grundle they said.

   You know your life has gone downhill when a friend reminds you tonight to not get locked in a porta-potty again.

   I've seen so many bathroom selfies in my life that now I cannot tell if someone is sexy in real life unless they are standing near a toilet.

   I will never lose my virginity cause I wanna set a good example for my kids

   I'm here to do three things: learn how to count and fight people who call me a liar. And buddy, I already learned to count.

   Mosquitos everywhere keeping it real by wishing everyone a Happy First Week of Spring. Remember us?

   Attention Ladies: A male marathon runner takes a mid-race break for a burrito and beer, sure sounds like a perfect guy to date.

   2 cows are standing in a field. One cow turns to the other and asks, "Are you worried about getting this mad cow disease that's rotting our brains?" The other cow replies, "Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."

   Cheerios celebrates 75 years of greeting fans, young and old, at the breakfast table. I didn't know the Honey Nut bees live that long....