Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Get laser hair removal they said, the technician won't torch your grundle they said.

   You know your life has gone downhill when a friend reminds you tonight to not get locked in a porta-potty again.

   I've seen so many bathroom selfies in my life that now I cannot tell if someone is sexy in real life unless they are standing near a toilet.

   I will never lose my virginity cause I wanna set a good example for my kids

   I'm here to do three things: learn how to count and fight people who call me a liar. And buddy, I already learned to count.

   Mosquitos everywhere keeping it real by wishing everyone a Happy First Week of Spring. Remember us?

   Attention Ladies: A male marathon runner takes a mid-race break for a burrito and beer, sure sounds like a perfect guy to date.

   2 cows are standing in a field. One cow turns to the other and asks, "Are you worried about getting this mad cow disease that's rotting our brains?" The other cow replies, "Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."

   Cheerios celebrates 75 years of greeting fans, young and old, at the breakfast table. I didn't know the Honey Nut bees live that long....

   Dear Alcohol, we had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

   Bernie vs Trump way better than Hillary vs Trump. Help people see that without insulting them tho lol

   I started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles.

   I am sure hope this John Miller guy whoever he is, former spokesman to Donald Trump, becomes the Vice President nominee on the Republican ticket this year.

   Played with fire and caught the feelings. Stupid feelings.

   Love is when two intelligent minds come together and become dumb.

   Rosalind Franklin discovered the DNA double helix, not James Watson. That's why he's still alive.

   [job interview] "So tell me something about yourself" I'm on medication

   I stole every word of this status from a dictionary.

   Hernandez just found guilty ..he wont be getting 40 million for that tight end ever again ...

   She lost me at,"Mayweather."