Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count. And those who can't.

   had a scab on his knee that fell off today. He is a sore loser.

   Complain: To explain your pain for no gain.

   If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

   it just me or does anyone else die a little bit inside when they lose an fb friend? *tear!*

   would shove an eggbeater up Gordon Ramsey's creepy, arrogant arse if he he ever talked to me they he does to the restauranteurs on his show.

   He knows when you are sleeping...he knows when you're awake....oh my God I'm scared!!!

   Florida school board shooter's wife says husband 'misunderstood'. Yeah, he misunderstood how to aim.

   Thank you lady from the "Help! I've fallen and can't get up!" commercials. Thank you for making me laugh with your comedic genius!

   how many tweets could tweetybird tweet if tweetybird could tweet tweets

   If God had wanted Mexicans to rule the world he wouldn't have invented Tequila ~ Happy Cinco De Mayo

   likes to go to the local pet store, find the most innocent looking clerk and ask "where are all the bi*-ches at?"

   Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life!!!!

   gonna party like it's 1929.

   thinks "romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

   i might have a piece of sh*t, but I drive it like its nice :)

   I bought my ex a pen for her birthday once. I should have got a better one though, she kept getting out. :(

   Anyone else see FB Bugs?! ̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨They drive you crazy and you can't wıpe them off your screen!!

   Just learned my (now broken) phone is NOT a transformer... Evidently, "Airplane mode" doesn't mean $H!^...

   ♥ LOVE always has it`s ``ERRORS`` sometimes we try 2 ``REFRESH`` then realyize it`s best 2 b ``SHUTDOWN`` but the hardest part is 2 ``RESTART`` your life and ``REFORMAT`` your HEART ♥