Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left

   Jesus turned water into wine!..ok..I can turn my whole paycheck into beer BAH!!!...your turn Jesus.

   I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

   I just voted for Trump just to make SNL funnier.....

   Majority of the guys in the women's right march are 30-year old virgins who still live in their mum's basement. Most of them will be m asturbating on Valentine's Day and have never seen a live v agina in their pathetic lives.

   Black Lives Matter doesn't mean other lives don't. Like people who say "Save The Rainforests" aren't saying "F*ck all other types of forests".

   Gotta give credit where credit is due. Canada really schooled us in the UFC fight.

   The President is only loved by ONE person....the American voter!

   NFL doctor's may have a new term for head concussions. The Trump syndrome.

   The vaccine shot was promised to be ready today. Where can I go to get the shot?

   For this, is a special time when family And friends get together,for fun. Wishing laughter and fun to cheer your days, In this festive season of diwali and always!!!!!!!!

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history."

   You're going to listen to what I play and fuggin like it........ Signed Pandora

   has found an artificial leg on a bus and is going to give it to his wife as a Xmas present. It should make the ideal stocking filler!

   hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words

   Anyone want to chip in and make a counteroffer to buy back Joe Lieberman?

   Peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer.

   loves you as much as a fat kid loves cake.

   The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

   Watching Teen Cribs with Miley Cyrus and Doing Lines with Paris Hilton