Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been on and off the wagon so many times, I feel like a Wild West hooker working her way back to California.

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   thinks a woman is like a KFC bargain bucket. Once you have finished with the breast and legs, all that is left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone in.

   used to hate going to weddings, all the grandmas would poke her saying, you're next. They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

   I hate it when people throw cigarette butts in urinals... It makes them soggy, and hard to light.

   You know what I think is cute? When my wife drives my girlfriend home without even suspecting a thing.

   I've always been doubtful of girl cashiers' s-anity in shops. Some Inva-der poor opp-ortunist ra-ts!

   We'll take Justin Bieber... Roman Catholic Church Priest Diocese.

   There was this annoying guy at a movie. So I thought to myself..." what would jesus do " .....So I started the guy on fire.

   Taylor Swift wins over MICHAEL JACKSON?!? Where the heck is Kanye when you need him!

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left

   Jesus turned water into wine!..ok..I can turn my whole paycheck into beer BAH!!!...your turn Jesus.

   I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

   The vaccine shot was promised to be ready today. Where can I go to get the shot?

   Black Lives Matter doesn't mean other lives don't. Like people who say "Save The Rainforests" aren't saying "F*ck all other types of forests".

   Gotta give credit where credit is due. Canada really schooled us in the UFC fight.

   I just voted for Trump just to make SNL funnier.....

   Majority of the guys in the women's right march are 30-year old virgins who still live in their mum's basement. Most of them will be m asturbating on Valentine's Day and have never seen a live v agina in their pathetic lives.

   The President is only loved by ONE person....the American voter!

   NFL doctor's may have a new term for head concussions. The Trump syndrome.