Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope everyone that clicks on these “like if you hate cancer” posts get cancer. OK, not really, but I hope they stub their toe…

   20 years ago when the guys went out, one of us got stuck with the porker. Nowadays, all but one gets stuck with one…

   *US soldiers wearing Crocs invade Syria* Obama: Well technically I said no boots on the ground.

   I like my coffee the same as my women. Black and sweet and ready to be creamed in.

   has found that the best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.

   My wife calls me The Margarita because after a long day, I can hit the spot!

   Don't worry, US is headed in the same starving its population direction as NKorea. Its only a matter of years all our money will be spent on mindless defence

   12.12.12 - It's a good day to test a microphone :)

   That awkward time when you post something on Facebook that nobody likes...

   Of course Melania's speech sucked, Michelle wrote it......

   I wonder if Trump will make the aliens pay for Space Force?

   If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

   "Look, there's a difference between 'ninja' and 'ninjer'."

   Life lesson....never put Preparation H next to the toothpaste in the morning.....YUCK!

   Is it just me, or did former First Lady Barbara Bush remind you of George Washington? Just askin'...

   I think it's pretty funny that people don't have a problem hitting the key pad several times to type out statuses, but FLIP OUT and start talking about starting farms on fire and killing animals instead of just hitting the one key "ignore" on a farm requ

   In case you were wondering, this is how you say "bite my shiny metal ass" in Italian: "baciate il mio scintillante fondoschiena metallico..."

   went to the book store the other day to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

   normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

   thinks it's funny when people say listen to the birds singing. The birds aren't singing, they are saying "I'm horny! Come screw me!!"