Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spongebob: hey can I talk with you for a second? Squidward: I dont know thats a pretty long time

   Ka•ra•o•ke noun. Origin: Japan Definition: Tone-deaf drunk with a microphone.

   Dr. Joyce Brothers says crying after sex is perfectly normal. Especially if it was sex with her.

   I hate waking up in the middle of a great dream and finding it didn't get picked up for another season.

   Has sex like a Ninja! I'm so quick you never knew I was there!!!

   Crap, out of toliet paper again..send help

   I wish I could see myself from a woman's perspective.

   It is safe to cook a turkey from the frozen state. The cooking time will take at least 50 percent longer....... REDNECK COOKIN

   My religion combines Buddhism & Scientology, or Buddhintology. I believe in Celebrities & Emptiness.

   If your question starts with "Is it bad that......." then yes, yes it is bad that you... but I like the way you party.

   Maybe you should start eating your makeup that way you will look better on the inside too

   If you hold a woman up to your ear and wait til the screaming stops....you can faintly hear her tell you she wants money, house, cars and fine jewelry!!

   Ok all so its about 8:15 pm december 20, 2011. That means we basically have 1 year 3 hours and 45 minutes of existence left :p....Lets make the best of it

   I was going to pull over and let the dogs drive for a little while; but they've already had a few drinks.

   there anything worse than being in a quiet break-room with someone eating something crunchy?

   she offered her honor. he honored her offer. and all through the night, it was on honor and offer.

   dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

   I currently have six quarters jingling in my front left pocket designated as "spares".

   Build a barricade?! Crap, I thought you said build a bear arcade. Those bears are gonna be pissed when I tell them no more Cruis'n USA.

   I wrote a book called "How to pick up girls." Page 1 says "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of dudes