Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you hold a woman up to your ear and wait til the screaming stops....you can faintly hear her tell you she wants money, house, cars and fine jewelry!!

   Ok all so its about 8:15 pm december 20, 2011. That means we basically have 1 year 3 hours and 45 minutes of existence left :p....Lets make the best of it

   I was going to pull over and let the dogs drive for a little while; but they've already had a few drinks.

   there anything worse than being in a quiet break-room with someone eating something crunchy?

   she offered her honor. he honored her offer. and all through the night, it was on honor and offer.

   dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

   I currently have six quarters jingling in my front left pocket designated as "spares".

   Build a barricade?! Crap, I thought you said build a bear arcade. Those bears are gonna be pissed when I tell them no more Cruis'n USA.

   I wrote a book called "How to pick up girls." Page 1 says "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of dudes

   "You gotta have Faith!" -enthusiastic review of a brothel on Yelp.

   If there's one thing I hate, it's self-loathing... If there's two things I hate, it's self-loathing and myself.

   Nothing like waking up to drunk texts from the guy you like blurting out his feelings for you and now it's your turn to play it cool.

   If I choose you over sleep, you must be f^cking special.

   I bet dogs are saying "Where is our damn Abraham Lincoln? We are tired of these humans thinking they own us."

   Some french fries are excellent, and other french fries are just an acceptable way to eat ketchup.

   New lovers are like computers...they go down unexpectedly.

   a woman with loose morals “Frito Lay”?

   My ultimate goal in life is to someday sing 800-CASH-NOW in a JD Wentworth commercial.

   "Dude! He just called you a thief!" "Oh HELL NO, hold his wallet!"

   making a NYE resolution is like making a wish...you dont need to tell everyone