Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

   *walks into the liquor store* What kind of black Friday deals yall got going on?

   My condolences to you and your family who's grandmother was actually ran over by a reindeer....I understand your grief, and the pain from the yearly reminder from the inconsiderate song....

   I'd lilke to thank my dealer for today, I'm halfway through my businesss day and haven't killed anyone. You sir are a true Hero.

   Ralphie looking at leg lamp:[narrating as Adult] "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."

   MY GOAL FOR 2016 IS JUST DO LIFE BETTER!

   went undrafted again, despite a solid 40 and great hands!!

   Men..can't live with them..can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors getting suspicious.

   I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

   wondering if pediatricians and children's dentists play miniature golf on Wednesdays...

   The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.

   when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vajajay" I knew I was at home.

   i need you like a water needs tea bag. You make me stronger

   "Weebonics"- The adorable chatter of a toddler.

   just realized that it's actually called 'hang-gliding' and not 'hand-gliding'. Looks like I can put that one up on the self along with 'wheel-barrow' instead of 'wheel-barrel' and 'volley-ball' instead of 'balley-ball'

   The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

   thinking of the immortal words of Socrates who said..."I drank what?"

   Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence and then walk away as if thou hast been offended by me!

   its no reason for being romantic anymore, because in 5 years she's gonna have half of everything and he'll be with babysitter!...

   The government should stop putting warning labels on things...triggering the beginning of Darwinism of stupid ppl!