Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wrote a joke about the short duration of cocaine, in fact the joke itself is a one-liner.

   If you think you're alone and nobody notices you, try not paying your bills.

   Dear boys, the whole 'speed-by-girls-in-my-noisy-truck-and-impress-them' doesn't really work...but, then again you probably didn't need to hear that from me did you?

   If actions speak louder than words, why can't I hear mimes?

   I may not have the gift to grant your wishes, but until then, I'll make your dreams come true.

   When it comes to guns and condoms- it's better to have them and not need them than to need them and not have them. Be safe FB friends... Be safe

   "My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at" wrong people. :)

   I don't know if I need to close one eye and fart, or sh-t and go blind

   Well, I've never had a hot carl before, but I certainly came close watching the State of the Union

   Keeping a roll of Oreos down the front of your pants assures your blind date will be pleasantly surprised when you open your zipper.

   I've stalked you recently because I couldn't find someone better.

   This old couple kept staing at me while I was eating my ice cream cone so when I finished, I ate the napkin too!

   if you don't want me to stare at your breasts, you shouldn't have such nice ones.

   I have a clever way with words. You might say I'm a cunning linguist.

   According to the Body Mass Index chart, I'm too short.

   If you love someone, set her free. If she doesn't come back, start dating her best friend.

   I like to hit snooze from the back.

   I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life if I die on Friday.

   Tomorrow is National Half Priced Candy Corn Day

   "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers." - new york's most hated cab driver