Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have ya ever notice no one ever post a "If you have a loved one in Hell that you miss, please repost"...

   If you find out your guest has no toilet paper from the other side of the door, you have FAILED as a host.

   I love spring but I'm not too keen on the pollen that comes along with it. Sneeze, sniff, sneeze, ...... I buy enough sudafed where the feds have me on their Meth lab watch list...... :D You think they would park their van a little bit farther down ...

   I'm going to rename my iPhone "virginity", so I can run up and down halls screaming "I lost my virginity!!" several times a year.

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   If you believe in the ever after you would have to assume that Liz now knows if MJ did it

   I swear to god some people you meet make you think "why didn't their parents use a condom?"

   The floggings will continue until morale improves...

   I learned something today....but I'm not telling you what because knowledge is power!

   Just work up from a well deserved nap. Now, I'm well rested to watch some TV once I get home from work.

   wondering if there's a business in Facebook psych evaluation? after reading status after status you would think instead if it saying "what's on your mind?" it says "how crazy do you want your friends to think you are?"

   The awkward moment when Jimmy Kimmel realizes he's kissed a crack head...

   Don't trade what you want most for what you want now.

   I'm beginning to realize that some people must actually enjoy being miserable.

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people! Respect it!

   "I can't go. I have to stay home and stare at my wife." - All my married friends

   My night in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil!

   Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.

   I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!

   If any of you heard a loud, painful scream followed by hysterical weeping, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.