Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Trump is AIDS in human form, then Obama is the a$$hole he got it from.

   DEAR FACEBOOK, TODAY WOULD BE A GREAT DAY TO PUT A DISLIKE/I HATE THE STEELERS/GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE STEELERS FAN "BUTTON" Thank you - 95% of the county, hell Canada too....

   If your grandma's furniture is wrapped in plastic... Well it's probably because she's a squirter...

   I'm a gentlemen. I'll hold the door open. Help carry groceries. Tip you for a good bj. Buy you dinner if you let me finish in your ass.

   the moral of the story is never send a white man to do a black mans job...

   Michael Jackson was not DANGEROUS, he may have been a little OFF THE WALL at times but not BAD. When it came to songs and performing he was a THRILLER and a DANCING MACHINE. From his one glove to the Moonwalk, MJ will never be forgotten!

   let the dogs out

   Flat Earthers: "The only thing we have to fear is sphere itself."

   The scariest clown sightings so far have been the 2 running at the top of the Republican ticket.

   I’m hoping the Russians will hack Obama’s Farewell telecast tonight.

   The reason Dolphins fans hate Patriots fans is because the Pats are superior in every way imaginable. Including year after year.

   How do you piss off a Trump hater? Remind them that only two presidents in history were ever impeached and neither got kicked out of office because of it.

   Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.

   Look, unless you're not blind, get your dog off your lap while you're driving

   Why do fat girls put their pictures sideways and upside down? You are still fat at every angle.

   How I Sext: HER: :-P ME: 8===D HER: :-O ME: 8===D~~~ HER: :-) ME: ZZZZzzzzz

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   Welcome to taco bell may I take your order? "... I'd like 2 tancos, a enchilanto, a brampino, a grondalito, and a small spripe,,, thanks"

   Hey America and Canadians, the entire world already saw Miss Universe pageant. You people have to wait until 9 pm to watch how Miss Venezuela wins.

   If the first person who said: As god is my witness he should strike me down with a bolt of lightning actually got struck, there'd be a lot of dead people in the world for lying or a very lot of honest people. . . So where is this god you speak of.