Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't understand why we call asteroids such a name when they are in the hemisphere, and hemroids so when they're on the ass!

   im not weired... you just dont know me well enough

   Boy are there ever a lot of garages for sale in my neighbour hood..

   Someone broke into my house the other day while I was at work. I think they got kind of plssed when they didn't find anything worth stealing because they left my place an awful mess.

   Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

   British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

   She said "there's plenty of girls, why me?" I said "cuz you r stupid enough to think it's just u!" :)

   I'm Under the sea, I'm Under the sea, Darling I got caught, Then I was Shot. As you can see. They threw me in the water to drift away, Now in New York they're partying all day. I'm Chillin wit Algea, Everyone is Happy!!! I'm Under the sea!

   I just saved a bunch of morons on car insurance by telling them that morons shouldn't drive so they don't need insurance.

   If you can't handle haters then you can't handle fame.

   WARNING! My mind is subject to change.

   I quit my job at the compass factory, I just felt like I needed to go in a new direction.

   Who ever came up with the idea of oxygen bars is a genius! Getting rich by charging people to breath? Awesome!

   Admit it, we've all tried to splash water in our face like the commercials.

   They say that the odds of the satellite hitting a human is HIGHER than winning the lottery... So what are the odds of winning the lotto, then walking outside and being hit by the satellite?

   Wow the local Chinese food place has online ordering now. Seems like you can order anything online with the click of a button, including a wife. The world is slowly becoming a better place for Stephen Hawking.

   Even straight guys have a gay side.. I have never seen a good lookin group of guys.. With one ugly guy in it..

   The nice black lady working at my hotel is named "Cliche". I hope her brother is named "Stereotype".

   Coincidence that Valentine's Day and Venereal Disease share the same initials? I think not.

   Tried the Harlem Shuffle, Gangnam style... I may have snapped a hip.