Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

   What all do I want on my 5 dollar footlong you ask? Let's just say I want you to have to sit on it like a suitcase to get it to closed when you're done.

   they need full length mirrors at the self-checkout line in the grocery store

   I'm not overconfident. My low self-esteem is at an all-time high!

   I would love to become Facebook friends with a hooker because I bet the status updates would be very interesting if they were honest, like, "Lindsey just made $300 in 15 minutes."

   wondering if whales believe in karma

   I feel like a ninja when I wish people happy birthday on Facebook at 12:01am

   Camping? You want me to go camping? Listen...My idea of "roughing it" is a night at Motel 6 with no cable. ng it

   went from being "in a relationship" to "single." Ahhh I'm FREEE! Time for beer, sports, and p0rn

   in support of our brothers and sisters who just experienced the earthquake on the east coast, I think all west coasters should have the rest of the day off!!!

   Making someone shudder means you're either doing something very wrong or very right.

   My version of the hokey pokey doesn't include a lot of hokey.

   can't understand why we call asteroids such a name when they are in the hemisphere, and hemroids so when they're on the ass!

   im not weired... you just dont know me well enough

   Boy are there ever a lot of garages for sale in my neighbour hood..

   Someone broke into my house the other day while I was at work. I think they got kind of plssed when they didn't find anything worth stealing because they left my place an awful mess.

   Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white mans dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

   British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

   She said "there's plenty of girls, why me?" I said "cuz you r stupid enough to think it's just u!" :)

   I'm Under the sea, I'm Under the sea, Darling I got caught, Then I was Shot. As you can see. They threw me in the water to drift away, Now in New York they're partying all day. I'm Chillin wit Algea, Everyone is Happy!!! I'm Under the sea!