Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think this shameless self-promotion on Facebook has gotten out of control. BTW: I am awesome.

   If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.

   The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

   Sigh. guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself in our fridge and left a note 'can't live like this'

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.

   For a lion to be a cannibal, he must first, swallow his pride.

   hopes that when the machines rise up against humanity, his toaster remembers all the good times.

   BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane which flew from London to Istanbul. Erm, because it wasn't a bomb?

   was just kicked out of Walmart for giving myself a breast exam. Apparenlty I misunderstood the concept of a self check out lane.

   Don't you wish you called-in blind, just cause you can't see yourself at work today?

   getting a little fed up with politics. I'm thinking about joining that Long Island Iced Tea Party movement.

   I wish my grass was EMO so it would cut itself

   Taking a looooooong time to get up today. I think If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.

   Just so all of my friends know, If I ever say the phrase "okie dokie artichokie" to you, it's a signal and means I've either been kidnapped or I'm wearing a wire. One of the two

   true facebook friends are easy to find, easy to leave.you can forget them but they wont leave you the hell alone.

   The month of March - In like a lion, out like a lamb. A ferocious, saber-toothed, axe-wielding, lamb. Brrrrr...

   GLEE is so gay, Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken have staged a boycott!!!

   What a woman wants is what you are out of. She wants more of a thing when it is scarce.

   To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world...