Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I've already smoked this life down to the filter.

   It's really hard to watch a movie when you're hanging on a tree outside someone's room.

   dude-having 14 keys hanging from a belt ring is not a good look, When was the last time you heard, "God, Schneider is a fox" Never. You're welcom

   Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to "No Body" So when someone posts an attention seeking status and I like it. It will say "No Body likes this"

   Why talk when you can type?

   Coincidence that Valentine's Day and Venereal Disease share the same initials? I think not.

   Tried the Harlem Shuffle, Gangnam style... I may have snapped a hip.

   Take that ZULU nonsense and shove it up your ass!

   The Daytona 500 is over. And so we wait for its return much in the same manner we do all once a year occurrences...like the Flu and the April 15th tax deadline.

   George and Barbara B ush must be some proud parents. One son was President, two were Governors and one now plays for the Detroit Lions!

   "It was good but he spanked me a little too much..." - no woman ever

   If you're one of those people that talk about your "haters," odds are I hate you too..

   People who like their jobs probably don't think oral sex is necessary either.

   KFC's new "Chicken's Littles" commercial claim "Little is the new big".......poorly endowed men everywhere finally feel adequate after watching

   Before you judge me,.. make sure your perfect!

   Fellaz; Kiss her like you OWN her. Chicks dig that.

   People who call you after you text them are the worst human beings since like Hitler.

   my ex-girlfriend walked by me today with her new boyfriend, they both laughed, so I smiled and told him "you must be use to having seconds"

   Well that was disappointing. Not only was his name not Leonid - there were no meteors in his shower at all. I don't even think he was an astronomer.