Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Egypt.......please don't destroy the pryamids. We won't rebuild them." -- The Jews

   Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

   an office zombie: Bored to undeath

   gearing up for hot tub season!

   Other countries would fear us more if, instead of a nickname for a holding cell, the "Drunk Tank" were an actual weapon.

   This just in... Lebron James chose Sunny D over the purple stuff!

   thinking about some chicken fried, cold beer, and wearing a pair of jeans that fit just right!

   Welcome to my world:-)...Oh yeah, I forgot..your not in it..:-/

   about to give his doodle dandy a yankee

   Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom

   good one Tim. Though, I think the original was better yesterday morning.

   Stealth Abs - When your ripped six pack is covered by a layer of fat.

   why is it whenur watchin a movie and some one says"dude did you see that" no I payed $6.00 to sit and watch the floor

   My friends cars gas tank is on E. And we're still driving. Call me crazy.......but I think we just beat the system!

   I quit eating...cold turkey...now I microwave it..

   Dear Santa, Let me explain about last year..

   wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can't they invent a self cleaning house?

   Confucius says man who argue with wife all day get no piece at night...

   2 tickets to Paradise and isn't taking you.

   beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder.