Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why is it whenur watchin a movie and some one says"dude did you see that" no I payed $6.00 to sit and watch the floor

   My friends cars gas tank is on E. And we're still driving. Call me crazy.......but I think we just beat the system!

   I quit eating...cold turkey...now I microwave it..

   Dear Santa, Let me explain about last year..

   wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can't they invent a self cleaning house?

   Confucius says man who argue with wife all day get no piece at night...

   2 tickets to Paradise and isn't taking you.

   beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder.

   6 out of 10 people wash their hands after using the bathroom, 4 out 10 use soap, 3 out of 10 actually wait for the water to get hot also.

   a little piece of me dies everyday... in a tubesock shoved to the bottom of my laundry hamper... thanks mom

   The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

   "There is always the one girl out there that got away. Guys have that ... and serial killers have that."

   skinny genes...

   I'd love to be a lifeguard at the gene pool. I'd let a few of them drown.

   Used the local gas station toilet today, when I walked in someone in the stall muttered "Release the Kracken"...well played creepy homeless guy...well played.

   wonders if the fake Irish accents on the Irish Spring commercials can sound anymore bogus , I've met a lot of people from Ireland and NONE of hem talked like that

   If you want proof that one person can make a difference, punch a stranger in the face.

   Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and suck forever.

   It's Topless Tuesday night! Woot!

   Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks....