Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My toddler just demonstrated far superior negotiation skills than the President in talking his way into a cookie before dinner.

   If you have a facebook page that features both you and your girl....you're a h0m0.

   Seeing a spider is not a problem. It becomes a problem when you can no longer see it.

   my son's Elmo doll just grabbed my junk. Can I get in on the lawsuits??

   Roses are grey,,, Violets are grey,,, Friggin'-Woof. I HATE being a dog..

   Perfect boyfriend : Does not drink, does not smoke, does not cheat and also Does not exist :P

   if you do the crime then expect to do the time!!

   Well, I watched the free fall but I couldn't even see him falling because his gigantic balls were in the way.

   wearing Hugo cologne today like a boss.

   Happy Mothers day to a mom who should have been an air traffic controller... ...I was grounded so often!

   Was I supposed to put the stripper in the cake before or after I bake it?.. Either way,, I gotta hide this body.. It's starting to smell

   Doctor: "In order to find out exactly what's wrong, you'll need to see the nurse and have a blood test." " Alright," I said, "How long will that take?" "About a week." he replied. "A week with your nurse sounds Ok" I said, "But how much damn

   I wish people would stop phoning while I'm ironing. I keep burning my face.

   More people saw Grown Ups 2 than Pacific Rim. This, plus the verdict, sums up America.

   George Washington was so ugly that someone said "maybe his monument should be a huge pole instead of his face" and everyone was like "yeah."

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back.

   I wonder if sharks have people week.

   Convicted Amy private Bradley Manning wants to live the rest of his life as a woman. At 5'2" and sporting that purdy little mouth, I doubt he's going to have a hard time being a woman while he's behind bars.

   When blk ppl walk their dog it's a chore. When white folk wall their dog it's an expeditionary adventure that clears the intestinal tract.

   Both George Zimmermans parents are hispan!c but he's wh!te, Obama's mother is wh!te but he's bl@ck-------Bl@ck people