Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two guys walk into a bar ...... the third one ducked.

   remember afro sheen? now we got Charlie Sheen. ;)

   If you have to steal something. then it's obvious you never needed it in the first place.

   Hmm, a country that's government still wears women's wigs older yes, wiser, me thinks not.

   Get ready for the Rapture 6.0 on October 21st. Yay I have time to get my blunt force zombie hunting weapons ready!

   Some status p0sts are not meant to be liked or disliked, they are just meant to be digested/pondered.

   In 50 years, a bunch of 80 year-olds will know all the words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.

   big story in the paper about a movie called Super 8. I must be getting old because I don't remember the first 7 movies of that series.

   has a blind date tonight.... Hoping she likes the smell of chloroform.

   Today in the car my nephews taught me that SlugBug and Perdidle weren't the only car ride punch games. There's also CruiserBruiser, RamBam, MustangBang, and ChevyShoves. So I made up the HumrBumr and the Haiyundai Chop. Uncles can do that you know.

   My ex started complaining about a fly buzzing around the room, but a few swift, heavy handed, well placed smacks solved that problem. The fly on the other hand started to get kind of annoying.....

   I think it's funny that whoever deleted me from Facebook was so important that I dont know who it is...and don't care!

   In light of recent reports, is Taco Bell allowed this Lent?

   I dont have a gambling problem!! How much you wanna bet?

   France, once again, takes up the fight in the defense of freedom and liberty.....

   Finger prick tests are being developed to test people for radiation in the wake of the Japan disaster. Apparently if the person's blood comes out glowing fluorescent green, there might be a problem.

   If you only have one photo on you're Facebook you are either a spammer, or a loser, either way don't request me as a friend.

   HER: "You've changed." ME: "Yes. I can't help it, I'm a transformer!"

   Open Google Maps (Get Directions) 2: Type China as your starting point 3: Type Taiwan as your destination. 4: Read step 48

   starting to miss 80s and 90s music. Lil Wayne? Soulja Boy? Miley Cirus? Jonas Brothers?