Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hopes that the "band" Owl-City are driving around in a recalled Toyota.

   leaving a post it note in this bathroom, saying "outta toilet paper but feel free to use this..."

   goodnight Mary Jane smoke you in the morning.

   I get grossed out whenever I see people who have not cleaned their ears since the Truman administration UGH!

   Question: IF you have a Harley and all the black assessories like HD T-shirt, Chaps, Gloves, Bandananana, booties..everything ... do you really need to go out and rent an Halloween Outfit? :)

   just asked a group of people for a lighter. They thought she was homeless, asking for money. She's wearing false lashes. When was the last time you saw a homeless person with false lashes?

   This may be a little late, Michael, but I think the world can now agree that Billie Jean was not your lover and the kid was not your son.

   denied black olives on my white bread, while wearing a hoodie. I am declaring racial profiling!

   had to quit his part-time job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.

   If we can't get weed legalized, we can just start calling it smokable beer.

   Or we could talk about Sodium.......Na.

   I just killed someone with kindness but they were miraculously resurrected as a demi-douche and expunged me with brazen disregard.

   I like how woman pretend they don't know they have a huge camel toe. You know you want us to stare at it.

   They should make a bubble bath that smells like diesel exhaust for us manly men.

   Be on the lookout for the latest wave of terrorists to enter the USA: M'Balz Es-Hari.....Graabir Boubi....Hous Bin Pharteen...and the most dangerous of the four, I-Zheet M'Draurz.

   In the interest of political correctness, the song will be now called, "Rudolph, the Native American-nosed Reindeer".

   "Do you like water?" 'Yes" "Nice, you already like 61.8% of me"

   if he doesn't treat you like a princess, then he isn't your prince.

   Sex with altar boys? Nun for me, thanks

   Look to the left. Now look to the right. I just virtually b!tch-slapped you.