Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

   Gonna dress in drag and head on up to Chik-Fil-A!

   BREAKING: Lady Gaga gains weight, decides to release new single "Porker Face".

   I was on the shopping network. corrections FoxNews. When did the WhiteHouse becomes QVC?

   When you subscribe to an established religion, you have only two options. You can become an idiot, or you can become a hypocrite.

   An older woman who likes young guys is a cougar. An older man who likes young guys is a Nittany Lion.

   "I'm, like, really smart." - Donald Trump, 45th POTUS. I'm glad he cleared that up, because he had the whole world fooled.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the third time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.

   Dear Jesus, what’s up bro. Please don’t let Ben Affleck mess up Batman. Please dude. I need this. Oh, and like peace in Syria or whatever.

   The most impressive miracle Jesus performed in the Bible was how he just went from 12 to 30 years without anyone noticing.

   America is only the land of the free for people who have lots of money.

   Sorry there will be no April Fools day prank coming out of the white house. They already did by putting Trump in office.

   SCIENTISTS Have Revealed Today That They Have Found A New Drug For DEPRESSED LESBIANS...........It's Called " TRYDIXAGAIN " tee hee~

   "If ya can't beat them, kill 'em" -Tony Stewart

   56 yrs ago today Rosa Parks occupied a seat on a bus that she wasn't supposed to sit in because she was black. Her act continues to inspire.

   if man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys??

   make love, not babies.

   You want to force people to stand for the flag? Please tell me more about this FREE country of yours?

   Everytime there is an awkward silence, a gay baby is born.

   Its interesting that Obama is visiting India for the very reason Indians go to US : JOBS!