Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Obama..Can you please find my baby daddy now?! He's been hiding for years an owes me money!

   Parenting tip: If you beat one child with the other child you can tell the Cops that they were just fighting each other .......... You're welcome.

   As I was sitting in church this morning I thought of a hilarious joke. I started laughing out loud not realizing we were in prayer. Sorry Lord.

   dangerous to your health.

   ...The top ten reasons to procrastinate. 1.

   I beat up a Ninja once...True story.

   Drown in your blood or live in your sht

   I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.

   Cowboys at Eagles Sunday night. Up for Homo Romo to go down on the Eagles.

   Coffee shops should have a separate line for mufuckas who are late for work.

   They gave Obama bobbleheads to all fans 18 and over today at Tiger stadium.

   I have an immigration plan all americans will support. The hot chicks are allowed to stay. The fat chicks and the guys get sent back to Mexico.

   Imagine an orange draft dodger telling you "He knew what he signed up for". I would rather be told this by a real war hero like McCain instead.

   No, I don't want to hold your baby. It looks sticky.

   Hello dangerous young man! Come and look at our extensive range of military grade, rapid - fire weapons, that can easily eliminate any normal people that question your anti - social and sadistic tendencies!

   Religions frequently promote inbred social networks. You're encouraged to spend more time with people who share the same belief system while disengaging from those with incompatible beliefs.

   I can't take you seriously if your skirt is so short I can see your tampon string

   Mexico beat us in soccer. That is bs! The government should start mass deportations asap.

   feeling warm all over. Now the part I hate, cleaning up.

   My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.