Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i hope spongebob is raping bin laden constantly...

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer today.

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to go down on the waitress.

   One time my dad yelled "who let the dogs out," but the only music we heard was Buddy getting hit by a car

   Remember when mambo 5 came out with the retina display? It made the mambo 4S look like CRAP........... good times

   Blame Obama Hotline, how may we assist you today?

   Why don't chicken breast have nipples?

   The boy who used to bully me in grade school still takes my lunch money,,,,,,on the plus side, he never forgets to ask me if I want to upsize my fries.

   Honey Boo-Boo endorsed Obama on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Was that so momma could buy their paint chips on a snap card?

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.

   If my st@tus upd@tes don't make you spit what you got in your mouth then you're a swallower...and hi there.

   My Political-Plumber friend says it's --- Lefty liberal, Righty up-tighty

   I went to church for confession. It's strange. I don't remember the priest's dialogue ever containing "The power of Christ compells you!" before.

   Objects in rear feel bigger than they appear

   Erm, Dear Santa, let me explain... the money was only resting in my account, and that thing with the elves , I have destroyed the negatives so you can be rest assured I will not black mail you for any pressies this year, been a good run, 30 plus years...

   I just love some of the things men say to get us into bed"Baby I'll only put it in for one minute!"What am I?!?!A fricken microwave!?!!!

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments..

   Your luck is so bad, that if I put a bucket of pu*sy in front of you, you would reach in pull out an a**hole!!

   If you're friending me on Facebook ONLY because you want a nail or you have a lost cow in Farmville, the joke's on you! I play Mafia Wars!

   I'm an angel, the horns are just there to keep the halo straight