Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my st@tus upd@tes don't make you spit what you got in your mouth then you're a swallower...and hi there.

   My Political-Plumber friend says it's --- Lefty liberal, Righty up-tighty

   I went to church for confession. It's strange. I don't remember the priest's dialogue ever containing "The power of Christ compells you!" before.

   Objects in rear feel bigger than they appear

   just had a bunch of underwear stolen. Cops are making a brief inquiry.

   Erm, Dear Santa, let me explain... the money was only resting in my account, and that thing with the elves , I have destroyed the negatives so you can be rest assured I will not black mail you for any pressies this year, been a good run, 30 plus years...

   I just love some of the things men say to get us into bed"Baby I'll only put it in for one minute!"What am I?!?!A fricken microwave!?!!!

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments..

   Your luck is so bad, that if I put a bucket of pu*sy in front of you, you would reach in pull out an a**hole!!

   If you're friending me on Facebook ONLY because you want a nail or you have a lost cow in Farmville, the joke's on you! I play Mafia Wars!

   I'm an angel, the horns are just there to keep the halo straight

   Sometimes I will post on a friend's wall because a really ugly person just did I want my pic to look good next to it in comparison. And if the next person thats posts is ugly....bonus!!

   wondering where the white goes when the snow melts.

   I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

   Rihanna can stopp tryin' . . . Seems like Chris Brown slapped the music outta her. . .

   Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die

   •When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   "you should change your name to LEGO cuz your about to get BLOCKED!!:!"- Magean L. Brents

   Jewish fun fact: If you celebrate Passover on top of an overpass, you go back in time

   She Bangs, She Bangs...... Turns Out The Whole Time Ricky Martin Meant He Bangs, He Bangs....... Livin La Vida Loca Who Knew lol.