Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't believe in neither the Democratic party nor the Republican party. I just believe in parties.

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow, I am just going to shut down...

   Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe.

   I just sneezed so hard I think I opened a time portal.

   If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials...

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I'm overdrawn, I'm gonna tell them, "We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it."

   The Cavs win twice, the Tribe sweeps Boston, the Heat lose and LeBron's mom gets arrested. You can't deny that KARMA Cleveland.......

   put your hand up if you think I'm crazy... but then again look at who's raising their hand in front of the computer! :p

   If Coldplay and Mumford & Sons got in a fight... Miley Cyrus would win.

   Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't have to match and boys had cooties.!!!!

   I'm at Camp Crystal Lake, being followed by this huge guy in a hockey mask holding a machete. He must be following us to make sure we're safe. Gee, what a nice guy.

   Do you have Beiber Fever? I'm sick of him too...

   I'm not cranky.. I just have a violent reaction to stupid people..

   Bristol Palin is payed as an Abstinence Ambassador... Great, now if we can only get Charlie Sheen to speak on alcohol awareness

   found the hidden toilet paper in the bathroom. Saved my ass!

   why is everyone on that baseball team wearing Jay Z's hat??

   If you only have one photo on you're Facebook you are either a spammer, or a loser, either way don't request me as a friend.

   you cant beat the stupid out of people but sometimes its funy to try.

   How can you tell when a woman is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarettes. 

   Dear Customers, Yes, we are making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies!!