Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

   When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

   It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.

   A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.

   Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.