Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.
←Rate | 03-29-2018 14:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Parental Pro-tip...Having trouble waking up your teenager? Unplug and pick up their phone. It wakes them up instantly
←Rate | 03-29-2018 16:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
←Rate | 03-30-2018 14:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?
←Rate | 03-30-2018 14:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
←Rate | 04-10-2018 13:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
←Rate | 04-10-2018 15:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
←Rate | 04-12-2018 07:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
←Rate | 04-23-2018 13:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus
←Rate | 05-04-2018 22:12 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .
←Rate | 04-18-2018 19:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 13:55 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 05:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
←Rate | 04-14-2018 19:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:36 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.
←Rate | 12-06-2017 14:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:42 Comments (4)  


   messageicon If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer
←Rate | 03-23-2018 04:56 Comments (0)  


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