Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

   Magic Johnson wasted the world's best porn name on a basketball career

   Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years

   Hardest part about watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" at this point is realizing I am one of the wah-wah-wah adults

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings?

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her and yell "DON'T DIE ON ME!" and then people always clap when she wakes up.

   Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.