Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5 of 5838

Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
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01-08-2018 11:43 by MDS
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I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
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04-29-2018 05:37
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"We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.
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05-04-2018 09:01
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I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires
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08-11-2018 03:33
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This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house
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01-01-2018 20:09
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Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?
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06-03-2018 14:11 by Jsabbage
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If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
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06-14-2018 07:14
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Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didnt know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years
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10-12-2017 13:30 by CrackY
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Elevator music bothers me on many levels
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10-18-2017 12:19
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Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
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12-04-2017 12:05
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The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
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03-23-2018 12:03
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We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
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12-09-2017 23:04
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You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
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12-16-2017 08:14
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When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.
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12-29-2017 07:39
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Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?
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01-02-2018 19:55
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I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.
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10-31-2017 06:53
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It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.
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01-02-2018 05:40
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A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.
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01-03-2018 05:53
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Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.
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02-11-2018 14:54
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