Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey girl, are you a ketchup bottle? Because I’m gonna flip you over, hit it from the back and make you squirt.

   What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.

   I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “diet” has the word die in it.

   If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.

   There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.

   Putting groceries in the freezer is like Tetris, taking them out is like Jenga.

   Your face makes onions cry.

   Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.

   Before Therapy: I hate people. After Therapy: I feel good about hating people.

   If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

   When people tell me “you’re gonna regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon, because I’m a problem solver.

   It’s cute when you try to string words into a complete sentence.

   Transitions Adaptive Lenses: “Experience life well lit.” Me: Oh, I will.

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.