Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being clean and sober means I've showered and I'm heading to the liquor store.

   BREAKING: Mike Flynn's microwave just offered to testify in exchange for immunity.

   I would like to wish president Obama happy vetera.....oh wait. My bad.

   I can't stand all these 'Stand with Standing Rock' Facebook post anymore

   In other news, Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

   Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too

   Every knows a person that acts like a loser even when they win. Well

   Careful Ivanka. The boss in your new office is very handsy with attractive young women.

   My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter. She’s my Japaniece..

   it a bad thing when your only form of social interaction is when the dryer buzzer goes off? Asking for a friend..

   Who knew that you get sex with a porn star on layaway

   setting up a mike's hard lemonade stand at the street corner. I dont ID! hurry and get 'em while they're cold!

   I just bent down to pet my cat, and it wasn't my cat. It turns out to be a sweater crumbled on the floor. I need better glasses!

   If Pluto is a dwarf planet and not a real planet, are dwarf people not real people?

   If you don't like music, you're probably deaf.

   took a bucket of Legos to Lowes and asked the cute manager "Let's build something together" that's when I got thrown out of Lowe's.

   Another tragic reported, almost a 100 ducks fell in Glendale Az lastnight, sunday about the same amount of eagles fell in Philly, I wanna know whats going on with all these birds!!! Whats next? Falcons? Ravens? Its all crazy to me!

   My 2010 in review: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   giving my liver a pat on the back for holding up this weekend

   somewhat annoyed that finding midgets, painting them green and making them make chocolate is an offence.