Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Another tragic reported, almost a 100 ducks fell in Glendale Az lastnight, sunday about the same amount of eagles fell in Philly, I wanna know whats going on with all these birds!!! Whats next? Falcons? Ravens? Its all crazy to me!

   My 2010 in review: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   giving my liver a pat on the back for holding up this weekend

   somewhat annoyed that finding midgets, painting them green and making them make chocolate is an offence.

   Yesterday I was 2 away from a threesome. I love college!

   setting up a mike's hard lemonade stand at the street corner. I dont ID! hurry and get 'em while they're cold!

   I just bent down to pet my cat, and it wasn't my cat. It turns out to be a sweater crumbled on the floor. I need better glasses!

   If Pluto is a dwarf planet and not a real planet, are dwarf people not real people?

   If you don't like music, you're probably deaf.

   : Does that mean Santa knows where all the naughty girls live? No wonder he's so jolly!!

   Well I just bought another load of laundry and a few things to dust for Christmas... I hope my family and friends enjoy a little extra work... You're welcome...That's just how I roll...

   borrowing money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

   I'm so sorry you must think I actually value your opinion!

   can never be accused of being "high maintenance". Whatever you are cooking for breakfast is fine with him. Just make it snappy, okay? Let's go! Chop Chop!

   Today, I went to meet a girl I met on facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn't match that of her facebook pic. The words "Stock Photo" weren't even written on her Forehead.

   wondering why the hair on her legs grows so much faster than the hair on her head!

   dont think of it as another day since you've last seen someone think of it as one day closer to seeing them again -RIP-

   "Barcelona expected to win. They have had an incredible surprise at the San Siro. Then we understood... they had fear". - Jose Mourinho

   I don't know how to tell my parents they're adopted.

   GUMP 2010: Shrimp is the fruit of the Gulf. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabob in oil, shrimp creole in oil, shrimp gumbo in oil, pan fried in oil, deep fried in oil, stir-fried in oil. There's pineapple shrimp in oil, lemon shrimp in oil, thats about it.