Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mr Wilson should of just filed for a restraining order against Dennis the Menace..problem solved

   "Stoned to Death" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   Breaking the Seal - Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

   Wow, I'm so high I can see my house from here.

   It's so Hot outside I heard that the Taco Bell Chihuahua just put in an a application for Dairy Queen!!!

   The suggested friends list usually falls into 2 categories for me anymore. Either "Who the hell is that?" or "I should of done things to her mouth when I had the chance."

   Bacon Scented Douche, For that Just Porked feeling!

   "Ugh, guys, I'm so hungover...wait, we declared what last night?!" --July 5th, 1776.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 7 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide.

   Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.

   Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of big regret and big hangover for Sunday.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them

   Christopher Hitchens the brilliant journalist, author & famed atheist has died. If he's in Heaven now I bet Jesus is looking pretty smug.

   My boyfriend doesn't like bacon. I like him a lot, but I don't know how much longer we're going to last.

   If you gotta ask her "Does this feel good??" you aint doin it right....

   declaring 2012 is the year of the Honey Badger! Google  "Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger"

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying "No Service"? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.

   Funny, on the same day Don Cornelius dies, my platform shoes lost their sole.

   's son bought a Justin Beiber CD. I wonder which Powerpuff girl he will dress as for Carnival

   Who let Tony Bennett out of the nursing home?