Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boyfriend doesn't like bacon. I like him a lot, but I don't know how much longer we're going to last.

   If you gotta ask her "Does this feel good??" you aint doin it right....

   declaring 2012 is the year of the Honey Badger! Google  "Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger"

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying "No Service"? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.

   Funny, on the same day Don Cornelius dies, my platform shoes lost their sole.

   's son bought a Justin Beiber CD. I wonder which Powerpuff girl he will dress as for Carnival

   Who let Tony Bennett out of the nursing home?

   Jeremy Lin is no flash in the Moo goo gai pan.

   There are those of us here in Central FL that don't care about the Daytona 500...or as I like to call it, The Redneck Equivalent Of The Royal Wedding.

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   My 3year old just swallowed some quarters and pennies. He seems ok now, I'll let you know if I see any change

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

   "Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/

   Last year it was the ice bucket challenge. This year it's the bucket of hot coals challenge. You go first. . .

   FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE !!!........... I yelled at my gynecologist

   Dear History Channel, The Mayans were wrong.. We are not dead.. Everybody is still here. Please adjust your morning programing accordingly..

   A cop pulled me over for weaving in traffic. He walked up to my window and asks, "You drinkin?" I said, "You buyin?" We laughed and laughed. Can somebody bail me out?

   One thing we can be sure of is Adam was not a doctor. Otherwise, the apple would have kept him away.