Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you work for subway? Cause you just gave me a foot long.

   God says the we should be humble, it good to know I am doing right, because I am more humble than anyone else I know, I am probably the humble person there is.

   Hmmm.. That's weird... I was the 100,000 visitor yesterday too... Winning streak!

   I've heard that hair dye goes to your head. You must use the Nice & Easy brand.

   swimming less than 30 minutes after a meal.. Thug life baby!!

   People point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

   Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package....

   I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long....

   AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

   TOMORROW...One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

   I can't remember where I put my xanex

   Cats are really not all that bad...................It turns out, I've been cooking them wrong this whole time...

   "I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.

   lost the key to my imagination, and now I can't start my unicorn

   Tonight at 11: A channel 3 exclusive - How a dangerous game of peekaboo sent two children to the ICU.

   I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

   If you need a car that dose the parallel parking for you then you should NOT be driving to begin with .

   "The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self lubricating. It takes any size pistonAnd it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so tempermental."

   Conscience is that inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking.

   t pisses you off when your wife gets pregnant,everyone rubs her belly & says "congrats!" but nobody rubs your d*ck & says "Good Job!"